Trust me, if I'm into you, you'll know and until then how about some regular conversation? How about offering to buy me a drink or, even better, a book. Is that so difficult?
Over the past few years I've seen and heard some of the worst pick up lines from blatant insults to utter ignorance and everything in between. To that end, I have made a list of the top five things that make me want to buy a chastity belt and settle into the crazy cat lady life (sans cats, cuz I'm allergic and stuff).
1. Be real. You don't have to be the smartest guy in the room but don't pretend to know things you don't. For example, just because you see me wearing Houston Texans gear does not mean I am from Texas, it does not mean I'm a "cute girly fan," and it certainly does not mean you should walk over and strike up conversation about how much you love football if you don't. Oy. I'm a football fan and I actually do know my stuff so don't embarrass yourself by pretending. Trust me, I will figure it out in about ten minutes and I will make you feel like an idiot just to get a bit of amusement from our conversation. Few things are less attractive than somebody pretending to know about things they just don't know about.
 |
| Books. I like books.....no, I LOVE books..... |
2. I read. A lot. A bibliophile is a must, I've tried it with a non-bibliophile and it just doesn't work. Talk to me about the best book you've read, tell me about the worst and most of all, tell me why you feel that way. If we go out, skip the flowers and wine, bring me a book. Bonus points if you are lending me your copy to read for myself and I might crush on you a bit for having notes in the margins.
 |
| This is me in Breckenridge, CO enjoying one of my favorites, a Vanilla Porter |
3. I like to eat but I love to drink. Coffee, tea, or beer are great places to start. Take me to your favorite coffeehouse, pub or, even better, brewery. Understand that when I say beer I mean microbrews - specifically stouts and porters with the occasional high quality IPA or Amber tossed in - not Coors or Bud because they just remind me of college, beer pong and keg stands. I'm too old for that crap. Also, I know my limits and by no means am I going to fall victim to you pressing shots or extra beers into my hand with designs on pushing me over my edge. I mean, nothing says I respect you like "I'm going to get you shit-faced tonight." Trust me, I will not hold back in puking on you and I guarantee you won't find me attractive at that point.
 |
| Have I mentioned beer? |
4. This may make me sound snobbish but I have to be honest, I've got some age restrictions. Many of my friends know that I attract much older men for some unknown reason (it's a longstanding joke and not terribly funny) and crazies (real nut jobs, as in Norman Bates insane). If you are older than my dad, I'm sorry, it's just not going to happen. I don't have daddy issues, I love my dad (*waves* Hi Dad!!!) and I am not looking to replace him - EVER. I realize the question of mental sanity is much more difficult to sift through but in general, if you have a weird fetish, liken me to a goddess of some sort or think to squash me into your idea of what a woman/girlfriend/lover/wife should be then we probably aren't going to be compatible, friend.
 |
| Isn't my Dad great? I just love him...oh, and that's one of my kiddos too, ain't she cute? |
5. I have guy friends. A few really close ones who mean the world to me and I'm not ditching them so don't ask. I've learned that true friends are REALLY hard to come by and if you can't deal with me spending time with other guys - in a completely platonic way - then we just won't work. If I'm out drinking with my guys you are welcome to join in and get to know me, I am sure they would appreciate it as much as me. Not that they are eager to see me moving on or anything....
 |
| Just because, a shot of one of my favorite places in the world - Seattle, WA |
I guess what I'm saying is that I'd rather be alone and happy then trying to make something out of nothing with somebody who is looking for an idea of a woman instead of the real deal. It seems to be a symptom of a larger issue in our society, not to pop up on a soap box or anything, but I think it's become too easy to make relationships disposable rather than working at them. Maybe this is part of why, settling for the shiny new toy and hoping that you can break it in like a new pair of shoes. I'm pretty broken in by now so what you see is what you get, even if I am evolving a little more every day. Still, these five things are pretty much set in stone.
No comments:
Post a Comment