It is no secret that I have had a rough go of things the last few years, specifically in the relationship department. I don't talk about it often because that is not conducive to moving on but it is worth mentioning now as a precursor for this entire post. I loved a guy. He was my best friend, my husband, and the father of my children. Things didn't work out, the details are not necessary but more than half of my life was spent with this guy and it was a painful break. Excruciating really but again that's not the point.
The point is what this girls wants.
I want my kids to live full lives and learn the real ways of the world - you have to work hard to succeed and while everybody can participate only one can win. I'd love my kids to be able to participate in the activities that interest them and learn to compete to be the best they can be at whatever they choose to do. I didn't always win at everything in school but when I lost it taught me to work harder and practice more, isn't that what this world needs??
I want to have a house near Seattle with views of the mountains and a lake - I am not particular on which one but I want a wall of windows looking out over the water with the mountains rising in the distance. It needs to be an open floor plan with a space for me to write, a room for a library with wall to wall bookshelves and plush seating where the kids and I can lose ourselves. I can see this house in my head as clear as day and I confess that clinging to the imaginary home helps me get through some days.
I want enough money to not be hungry, to not wonder where my next meal is coming from, and enough to eat the way I need to - fresh greens and unprocessed goodness that I can prepare in the kitchen with my own two hands. It is something I enjoy doing and it is healthy. I want to be able to help the people I love, the ones who work so hard and never seem to get their heads above water. I want enough money to be able to give back. Do not misunderstand me, I have no desire to be rich or sitting on loads of cash, I just want enough to help good people stand on their own two feet and not worry when tragedy strikes. I want to build up others like me who work so hard for little return.
I want the time and space to find my way back to love again. People want to set me up, they want me to move on and dive into the dating pool. I'm just not there yet. I like being on my own and I have a lot on my plate, a lot I want to do with my life and most importantly, I want to be Mom to my kids. That leaves little time for relationships. Beyond that, I've realized over the past few weeks that I am just not ready. Not only am I not comfortable in my own skin these days (something I am working on), I can't even imagine sharing this life with somebody else. I already feel fractured and like I'm running in a hundred different directions to juggle all of the things I'm trying to do, why would I add more into this mess? I can handle what I have now and I can do it well, but it is all too fragile to throw something else into the mix. I can't rush this and I don't want to.
What a girl wants is her prerogative and only she can determine what, when, where, why, and most importantly who.
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